Sunday, July 1, 2012

Dream a reality

What happened, where am I, where were we...

There we sat, and talked and imagined a life we wanted... and it happened. Hand in hand we walked up to your parents doorway where we once spend endless moments in each others arms. Your mom answered, and with a huge smile embrassed me like her own. She smelt of hairspray and vanilla body lotion, her hair perfectly clipped back with just the right pieces falling down infront of her rose-bud like cheeks.

As we step through the doorway I notice your dad, Canucks shirt on and grabbing steaks to throw onto the BBQ. He looked so masculine, so incontrol, I knew where you got your amazing providing skills from. I feel so at home, and could not imagine being anywhere else. I calmly asked where your brother is, but I realize if I walk downstairs he'll be playing on his computer as he did years back.
I quickly encounter your sisters and brother-in-law and flash a few smiles and some quick squeezes, we havent seen them in a while... dont you remember back in the day how I was so concerned that they hated me? How foolish was I?

As I walk towards to bar stool I cannot help but look down at my left hand to notice a beautiful ring placed upon my ring finger. For a moment I am taken back, and soon realize we had wed the previous year and for some reason had slipped my mind. I try to be descreat but your mom notices the sly like grin on my face, and cannot help but chuckle at how I am being so giddy, was I acting like I was 14?

The night progresses, and as a family we have our dinner and chit chat about life and what is new... for some reason I still feel some tension with your sisters, but then again that is just me being silly as per usual. As follows I grab anything off the table to clear--but your mom as always tells me otherwise. I ask if I could possibly rest downstairs, since I have fallen faint and feel a horrible headache coming on... your younger of the two sisters chims in and says she will watch Jayce for me, while the boys go outside, and I rest downstairs. Not clueing in I casually agree with this notion of her watching so and so.

You then came in for a quick peck on the cheak and dash outside to go do what ever guys do. And I head downstairs to sit and finally have some piece and quiet I have so been longing for all day. About an hour passes and now I am sitting on the porch with some sparkling apple juice-- I am somewhat puzzled at my choice, but feel it was just not a wine day for me... you scoot around the corner of the house and ask where Jayce is. Who is Jayce I ponder for a moment... before I can respond your sister goes hes fine, I just put him down for a nap let your wife take a break. Wife, take a break? Jayce?
Without a second thought I realize Jayce is my son, and soon we are packing him back into the car and driving to our home.

Why was I so out of it today I thought, I have a husband and a son? You lean over squeeze my inner thigh as you had when we were younger, and slowly move your hand onto my belly and ask how baby is doing... suddenly I gasp and look down to find my stomache a glow with the essence of another being. Pregnant? What is going on with me today...

I try and remember the days back where I longed for this day. The perfect man, the perfect family and I had everything I could ever want... without another breath a sharp pain kicks in my side and I convulse.

*** What just happened? I awake with blood streaming down my legs...

Here I lay in a double sized bed, with my orange and blue sheets covering my half naked body. Looking around the room there is nothing of yours here. I shiver and slowly crawl to my feet to clean off the stains forming on my thighs. As I get up and walk around tears are streaming down my face.
I realize there is no you, no Jayce, no ring, no love... just me... alone...

It was all a dream so life-like, so real. Why did I wake up? I could of died and forever lived in this dream world. You dont live here anymore, and your family barely speak to me...
I unlock my phone an open a document of where I have hidden future baby names (yes it is sad but oh well) as I scroll down there on the fifth line the name "Jayce" sticks out like a sore thumb. A name picked out... the tears run farther down my face.

Great way to start the day off right? I start to scream, to question, to wonder why on Earth you ever left! How could you do this when the picture in my head was so blatently perfect! I wish I could pull you into my dream and show you- and just be like look- it worked out! What were you thinking... I will never know and personally I dont think I ever will be okay...

Curlled up on the floor I sit and stare at where your presence used to be. This house is haunted with your old being, my unwed soul you left behind along with your unborn son. Funny how badly you hurt me, and you dont even know.

I hope all your nightmares become a reality, and your dreams diminish the second you wake up...


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